No, no, no.
You don't like the Bruins because you don't understand the Bruins.
You wanna watch people skate on ice?
You watch Tai and Randy. You want hockey?
You wanna see guys messing each other up with sticks.
That's what people pay to see, primal shit.
That's not hockey, that's violence.
When the game's played right, it's about movement, just like dance.
What are you, Bambi? We live in a jungle.
We gotta have outlets for our aggression.
Look, I don't wanna argue with you this morning, okay?
Hey, Bill, loosen up the sphincter, huh?
You're all bottled up.
- Morning, Andrew. - How you doing, Joey?
Hang in there, Joe.
Yeah, we're creative, but I gotta tell you,
word's already out on the street it's too late.
That one I got 1291/2.
Donny. Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Hold on! You think I'm an octopus?
I only got two hands here.
Hold on.
Lunch would be good.
No, wait, not this week, though.
Marty, you want security? I'll get you a blanket.
You want big bucks? You're gonna have to trust me.
Yeah. No, I wouldn't touch it.
What they all do and not do?
Mary. Yes. Can you get me...
Yeah.
Don't trust that guy. He's a Harvard asshole.
Yeah, I gotta get back to this. Okay.
Hold on.
Yeah. No, no...
This is getting very weird.
Jesus Christ!
Point that thing the other way!
- What has gotten into you? - It's not safe, Andrew.
I just got it off the news wire.
They're delaying the trial another 30 days.
If we have to wait that long, forget it.
- We're dead meat. - Come on.
What do you think Kapados is gonna do? Is he gonna kill us? Come on!
He's a businessman. It's just business.
That's what we thought when we took his bullshit bonds.
You don't pass off that much in counterfeit paper on your own.
I'm telling you, we were chumped.
He had us laundering money for the mob.
Bill, Bill... Okay, go make some money.
You'll feel better, okay? That's what I'm gonna do.
Now, please, hide that thing before you blow your balls off.
If you wanna testify against Kapados, fine.
- Not me. - What is the big deal?
You stick your hand on a Bible,
you swear to tell the truth, they find the bastard guilty.
And they find us incompetent
for having done business with him in the first place.
Look, my Uncle Fred's got a dealership in Springfield.
I'm gonna be selling used Pintos, man.
Yo, Morenski, back me up here.
Tell him, man.
Bill, Bill, this whole thing's gonna blow over.
And meanwhile, the three of us can get back to what's important in life.
Forget it.
- Andrew. Andrew. - What?
You see this curly one at the bar?
The one in the green? She's been checking you out.
Do you know her? What's her name?
She trades for First Boston.
Yeah. Janie... something.
Irish.
Listen, I heard Eddie Deckler on the phone today.
He's working a leverage buyout: American Drainpipe.
- that's more money down the drain. - Not if you get in today.
This won't be on the street for five or six weeks.
What's her last name, guys? Janie McSomething.
Closed out today at 45/8.
The day this hits, it's gonna go right through the roof.
If it goes through the roof, the roof leaks,
you're gonna need a new drainpipe.
Rooney. Janie Rooney. There you go.
Drainpipe. American Drainpipe.
But keep it under your hat, huh?
Let's go, guys. Tokyo market's just waking up.
We gotta fire up the modem.
Listen, Ahern, I think... I think I'm gonna stay here a little while.
But could you do me a favor and make sure Quick Draw here gets home in one piece?
Am I the only one here that sees reality?
- We're screwed. - Andrew sees reality.
It never stopped him from trying.
Go for it, Tiger.
Come on, Wyatt Earp, we're history.
So I'm a little on edge.
A little?
Look at that. We're gonna have to swim home.
Hey, yo! Taxi! Cab!
Hey! Hey! Yo!
Hey, you can't park your car over there!
You need a ticket!
Did you hear me? Don't you see the sign?
- You need a ticket! - Back off!
- I said back off. - Mr. Morenski?
What?
Agent Pratt, FBI.
- This is my associate, Agent Bakey. - FBI?
Why don't we go back upstairs and pack you a suitcase.
A suitcase? What are you talking about?
It's for your own protection.
Come on.
Ahern.
Ahern, what the hell's going on here?
- Morenski! - What happened?
Where's Bill? Where's Rodriguez, Ahern?
Will someone please tell me what's going on here?
What took place at Yasgur's farm?
Guys...
I gotta use the phone.
I swear to God, I won't tell my clients where I am.
But it's been two weeks.
The other brokers are gonna be stealing them away from me.
You're stalling again. Can you believe this?
Every question it's the same thing with you!
Give me a break! I'm tired, okay?
Yasgur's farm, Andrew. What happened?
We've covered the same territory over and over.
We're not getting anyplace like this.
Now let's have it. What happened?
- A farm, right? - Right.
Okay...
Does it have anything to do with Charlie Manson?
The category is Entertainment.
Okay, guys, I'm not stalling now.
I'm quitting. That's it.
Got a bad case of the trivia DTs.
Yasgur's farm.
Andrew, it's where they held Woodstock.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, I knew that.
Where do you think you're going?
I'm going out to mail a birthday card to my grandma.
Is that okay with you?
Any of you guys got a stamp?
Sorry, pal. No way. We can't let you out.
I don't believe this! Kapados is the criminal!
He's out on bail!
I'm stuck here like some kind of axe murderer!
Where do you guys have Ahern?
Does he have the same kind of deluxe accommodations?
You want luxury or you wanna be kept alive?
Give me a day to think about that.
Listen, it's nothing personal, guys, but I gotta get some fresh air.
No, you're not going out, and you're not making any calls.
Come on!
Hell, I could use some real food.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
No.
Morrill specifically said...
Morrill's nads have been tied to a desk for 20 years.
I know the street.
This hour of the day, buried this deep,
I'm with Richie Rich.
Let's go.
Hey, hey, hold up, hold up.
No calls, all right?
That's something that we can't be flexible about.
This book is just my clients.
You know, it's my people.
If I don't have it with me, I get tense, okay?
Ain't that cute? It's like his little teddy bear.
You guys have no idea how hard it is
for a broker to line up quality clientele.
- Quality clientele? - Quality clientele?
Like Kapados?
Morenski, just go for the pancakes.
Go for something. We don't got all day.
The waffles.
It says here that they're golden brown.
Is that really true?
Okay, I'll have the number 5 waffle breakfast
with the bacon extra well done.
How about a nice glass of milk?
That they can make golden brown.
No, actually. I'd like a Scotch, please.
Do her straight up. Thank you.
Baby doll, it's 6 in the morning.
Then make it a double, please.
Let's see some I.D.
I don't believe this.
Let me show you mine, huh?
Figures.
You don't identify yourself,
not to anybody, not anywhere, period.
I don't know if you're aware of this, but once you testify,
they're probably gonna get you relocated.
It's Uncle Sam's way of keeping you alive after you've spilled the beans.
You get a new name, you get a new town,
you get a new everything.
Yeah, a lot of guys end up living in national parks.
They become forest rangers.
Trust me, you'll love it.
Bakey, I already got a name, okay?
I got a job and a Maserati.
I got a two-bedroom co-op in Cambridge.
Come on, I'm located.
That's it. End of discussion.
Hey, they're really into plastic surgery.
I'm getting hip to you, Bakey.
I can tell when you're bullshitting.
Yeah, right. I'm gonna let the FBI relocate my nose.
- You guys are nuts. - I gotta take a wicked dump.
Classy individual.
Classy joint.
I almost forgot. I found you a stamp.
Oh, thanks.
The way I figure it, at least you don't have a wife and kids.
That's when it gets really tough.
No.
No calls.
If I wasn't on duty, I'd join you in a round.
Pratt!
Son of a bitch!
Down the alley. Block him off.
Get out of the way!
Hey!
Dark hair, kinda tall.
Oh, yeah, and he had this hairdo...
Some kind of Dracula hairdo.
We put or best manpower into finding Morenski.
Was your best anything like Bakey?
Pathetic. He's an embarrassment.
He's a solid agent, for Christ's sake.
25 years experience with the Bureau.
Doesn't show. Now I'm short two witnesses.
Well, at least Morenski got out alive.
You hope.
Morrill, please don't let them take me off the case.
I'm to blame. I know I'm responsible...
Bakey, for Christ's sake, I bought you some time.
But you can't blame that guy.
His whole case is going down the drain. Kapados will walk.
That son of a bitch of a bastard killed my partner.
You just find me Morenski.
If he's hiding, smoke him out.
If he's dead, bring him back to life.
But find the man.
- I will do everything... - I don't wanna hear nothing.
- Thanks a million. - Anytime.
And is there some reason that you left the trash can...
- I'll get it. - Make it fast.
Can I help you?
- Who's this? - Who's this?
Your cousin Andrew.
Patrick, is that you?
Yo, Cuz!
Hey, kid! What a relief! I thought I had the wrong number.
- Patrick... - How you doing?
- Well, I'm alive. - Yeah?
I heard you were in some kind of jam, something with the FBI.
Patrick, Aunt Lucy, is she around?
Oh, yeah. Hey, guess what.
I really don't have the time.
I'm days away from my learner's permit.
As a matter of fact, we were just going out to practice.
Wow, that... that's terrific.
Can I speak to your mom, please?
Hey, where are you calling from?
Well, beats the shit out of me.
It sounds like you're calling from the Maserati, huh?
Can you please put your mom on the phone, Patrick?
Maybe you'll let me drive it sometime.
I've been practicing day and night.
Left turns suck, but other than that...
Patrick, put your mother on the frickin' phone!
- Are we a little tense? - Yes!
Nurse, it's the stool pigeon.
Hey, I'll go pull the car out.
Andrew, that picture of you in the paper was awful.
Oh, my God.
Patrick, my God.
I'll clean it up later, Mom.
Your cousin Andrew...
Your cousin Andrew's coming to stay with us for a little while.
- Really? - Yeah.
He's meeting me tomorrow in the school office.
Now that's just between you and me.
Not a peep word.
Okay. Be careful.
- Patrick! - Sorry.
Nosebleed.
Major nosebleed.
Holy shit.
The mellow spot on the dial, WMLO.
The metal never gets heavy, and the rock never gets hard.
Yo, mister! Mister!
May I have a cigarette, please?
Yeah, sure.
Wait.
That's a real nice coat you got there.
You wouldn't...
You wouldn't want to trade it for this one, would you?
No, I don't want that coat. I just want a cigarette.
Are you crazy? This is $500 Italian-made coat.
I bought this in Milan.
You paid five Cs for that, and you're asking me if I'm crazy?
- Okay, I'll give you the coat... - No.
the shirt and a pack of cigarettes.
No... It's a deal.
Wait, wait.
For my grandmother.
Thanks a lot. Enjoy it.
Have a pleasant day.
Hey, hey!
Hey, guys, look what I got!
Cigarettes!
Excuse me.
Can I possibly get a cigarette from you?
Thank you.
Got a light?
Come on. Anyone got a light?
A reminder from Mrs. Billings,
there is absolutely no smoking on the school grounds.
This includes all faculty, fellow students...
Take a seat. It'll be a minute.
Dude! Humbuckers!
Five-position rotary switch, 24 frets,
nickel-plated bridge, and it's black!
Man, that's pretty serious.
You three, sit up!
Come on inside.
It's okay. I didn't call your parents, yet.
No, I think you're making a real mistake.
And taking a blowtorch to the couch in the teachers' lounge?
Was that also, perhaps, a real mistake?
- But l... - Hey, man, you did it...
and now you're, what, sorry?
Maybe depressed a little?
Hey, I am not the enemy.
Why don't you just come on in... Sean?
Go ahead and call up my parents, dude.
I didn't do shit.
Come on in, Sean.
Go ahead and call them, man!
I didn't so shit!
Attention students. All students.
The second bell is not a warning bell.
It is a late bell.
Young man, are you supposed to be in this office?
Let me see your pass.
I don't...
I don't have one.
I'm new here.
Have you been to the registrar's office?
- No. - Well, here.
Here's a pass.
Go down to the end of the hall,
take a left, then up the stairs and turn left.
Thank you.
Warning: get to class.
The second one says you're late.
If you don't hear the second bell,
see the nurse right away about having the wax
taken out of your ears.
Edna, my nephew, he's supposed to meet me here.
I'm running a little late.
First name first, last name last.
Andrew...
- Are you all right? - Oh, yeah.
My name? You want my name?
Maxwell.
Maxwell what?
Haus... er.
Hauser.
H-A-U-S-E-R.
- Last school attended? - Cornell.
High School! In Texas.
A small... small town in Texas.
My records could take weeks.
Everything takes weeks.
All right.
Here is the spectrum of human sexuality.
- Oh, hi. - Hello.
Maxwell... Am I pronouncing this correctly? Hauser?
- Yeah. - All right.
There's a seat for you.
You just make yourself at school.
And who would like to tell Maxwell what we've been talking about? Mike?
Alternative lifestyles.
And specifically the area of...
Homosexuality.
No!
No, sexual preference.
Maybe this is an area you touched on previously, Max?
Well, I've touched on it, but a refresher never hurt.
All right. At one end, we have heterosexuality.
And at the other end, homosexuality.
I know this is not a subject that we feel free to discuss easily and openly, but...
Patrick.
- I have to remind you... - Patrick.
that if we don't share, if we don't communicate,
then we can't begin to understand who we are.
At one time or another,
whether you choose to acknowledge it or not,
every one of us...
has experienced feelings at all points along this spectrum,
including homosexuality.
Patrick.
I don't expect anyone to stand up in this room and proclaim their gayness,
- but on the... - Patrick.
Max.
That is really courageous of you.
Kevin.
Oh, no...
Move it, please.
Wait up!
Attention, sophomores.
Drama Club tryouts will take place next Friday
in the band practice room.
Rape! Rape!
Get back!
Don't make me have to hurt you.
Look, bub, here's the spectrum, okay?
On this side, we got homo.
And over here, here's hetero.
And here's me, way the fuck over here.
Now, what other people do,
different lifestyles, stuff like that,
that's all fine and dandy with me...
But, Patrick, I love you.
- Oh, God. - Like a cousin.
Cousin.
Andrew! Oh, Andrew! Thank God!
Max.
Max?
Oh, jeez.
What happened to your head?
Long story.
Jesus Christ.
This is not how I remember high school girls looking.
Half these girls look like they're 35 and just got divorced.
Hey, yo, Clinton, my man! How you doing?
What's up, man?
That guy's a friend of mine.
What the hell are you... Don't breathe!
Nice day.
Cocksucking fascist Ayatollah.
Mr. Morenski, may I ask what's under your foot?
Linoleum?
I'm sorry.
I was smoking and...
It's my first day.
No smoking on the school grounds!
Understand?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Sorry.
"Sorry" doesn't cut it here.
Understood?
All right, Max, let's get something straight.
You left the outside world.
We got to orient your thinking.
You gotta think repression, think limits,
think humiliation and despair.
You're in high school, for Christ's sakes.
Patrick?
- Patrick, wait up. - Patrick.
The acid test... you'll never get away with it.
- You wanna make a bet? - How much?
If she doesn't recognize me,
you do my homework the whole time I'm here.
If she does?
You still do my homework, only I pay a hundred bucks.
No, I'll do your homework. $100 if I lose, two if I win.
- Oh, come on! - I'm trying to save up for a car.
- Okay. - Easy money.
- Patrick. - Hi, Mom.
- Mom, I want you to meet Max. - He just started here today.
Honey, I wanna get home and check the machine.
I'm concerned about your cousin.
- He never showed up. - No? You're kidding.
- Are you sure? - Patrick, come here.
He was in all the papers today.
Somebody's trying to kill him.
I just hope Grandma's not freaking out.
You know how she is about Andrew.
So, Mom... Mom!
You definitely didn't see him today?
Patrick, now didn't I just say that?
I'm going now. You wanna practice driving?
You can take me home.
No. I think me and Max here, we'll just hang out a while.
Max, say good-bye to my mom.
- Mom, this is Max. - Nice meeting you, Max.
Honey, your dinner's in the freezer.
I have class tonight.
Mom!
So what is this? Someone's trying to kill you?
- I need a stiff drink. - Yeah, so do I.
Son of a bitch. It even made the papers here.
Watch it, Patrick. Don't bust my stool.
Okay, we got two wild cherry slush buckets.
Mega for you, and colossal for Goldilocks over here.
Did you ever ask yourself, "How did I get here?"
I used to.
Now I just asked myself, "How the hell do I get out?"
So, who wants to kill you?
This money guy, Victor Kapados.
He came to our company with a lot of bonds he wanted us to handle.
Millions of dollars worth.
The whole was set up to look legit, but it wasn't.
What's up, dork?
So? That's not your fault?
Yeah, but I'm a witness.
And the Justice Department wants me to testify
that I accepted the paper.
So that's you, huh?
Me, Ahern, and Rodriguez.
Now, Rodriguez has an excuse.
He's dead.
But, Ahern they still have in custody,
so he can testify.
What they did to Pratt, though.
I've never seen anything like it.
Is that gonna be cash or cash, huh?
Let me consult with my accountant here.
Yo, Max, old pal, can I borrow your wallet?
Hey, and, Gertie, while you're at it,
could you throw in a bag of potato chips,
a tube of Bazooka, and a Snickers bar?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Thanks.
Let's get out of here.
Where do they put the comic in a tube of Bazooka?
- Hey, Gertie. - Yeah?
Patrick left this behind.
Yeah, yeah, we'll mail it, yeah.
Hey, Patrick!
This one isn't too bad. Can I wear it tomorrow?
- Sure. - Thanks.
Patrick!
Just a second!
You said she wasn't here.
I made a mistake. Stay calm.
Quick! Hide in here. Down in here.
Patrick!
Mom! Mom, this is my room, my sanctum.
I knocked, but who could hear?
I thought you left.
I did.
But then it occurred to me, I really should call the FBI.
Mom, you called the FBI?
Oh, my God!
Why are you so upset about that?
Upset? Do I look upset?
Me? Upset? No.
I've been trying for the last half hour to get through, then, finally, I did.
I got a recording.
Mom, I say we don't tell the feds anything, huh?
I mean, maybe the cuz just...
maybe he just needs a little breathing room.
- Patrick. - What?
What are these?
Garments?
Mom! I wouldn't touch those if I were you.
Please. Please. I'll wash them, I promise.
I thought we had a deal. Think about it.
If you don't have any underwear tomorrow,
who are you gonna complain to?
Mom, I didn't have any underwear today.
Did you hear me even make a peep?
This sanctum is worse than the Black Hole of Calcutta.
She's always saying that. Has she ever been to Calcutta?
No.
It's okay, Max. It's safe.
Max? Max?
I am dismayed.
I am deeply, deeply dismayed.
Now, can anyone guess why?
Ethan.
Would you care to hazard a guess?
I didn't think you would.
Your essays, class, were execrable.
All right!
I am likening your work to human bodily waste.
With one notable exception.
Impressive work, Mr. O'Roarke.
Momentarily forgetting your impoverished vocabularies,
your misinterpretation of historical facts...
Allow me to cite an example.
I will, however,
spare the unfortunate author.
In selecting for a topic the Nixon years,
our author shows a stunning naiveté.
Now, none of you are old enough to remember,
as I do, how Nixon's countrymen betrayed him.
But was Richard Nixon
really to blame?
No.
He was a target.
A victim.
Campus radicals needed a scapegoat
to justify their own shoddy idealism.
Mr. Hauser.
You appear to be writhing in your seat.
Is this a nervous condition?
Yes, it is. It's a nervous condition.
What? No.
No. It's not a nervous condition.
Mrs. Billings, I don't mean to be rude, but...
no one destroyed President Nixon.
The man destroyed himself.
The secret bombings in Cambodia.
He rigged a presidential election.
The media didn't create that.
He put it down on tape.
You're not old enough to know who did what.
That's my job.
And the one thing I will not have
in my classroom is anarchy.
Anarchy? The man lied.
He resigned in disgrace.
Is it anarchy to discuss the facts?
Mr. Hauser, this is my classroom.
I decide what are and are not facts.
You, sir, are in my class.
Please sit down.
Mrs. Billings, we're all adults here...
I mean, you seem like a fairly reasonable person.
I mean, really, is it your class
or is it our class?
It's her class, dick-brain.
Sean?
I didn't expect to see you back in here so soon.
Thank you.
Thanks.
It was that guy Max that did it.
- Hey, Max. - Yo, Max. What's up?
Make a move, Morenski, and you're dead.
What do you want?
Your car keys and your credit cards.
Patrick, that's not funny.
Man, relax. I was just kidding.
Max, how you doing?
I don't get it, Patrick.
People I don't know are talking to me.
Hey, you asked for it.
I mean, word is out.
Hey, noble move, Maxwell.
The man has definite potential.
We should talk. Know what I'm saying?
Yo, bust a move, fellas.
I wish I could walk like that.
Potential? What's he talking about?
It's no wonder young girls are turning to bulimia.
What is this stuff?
You don't wanna know.
- Hi. - Hi.
Oh, hi.
Andrew...
- Max. - Max.
This is Chloe, and this is Ryan.
Well, hello, Chloe and...
- Ryan. - Ryan.
I heard you had to go see Dr. Gusick. I'm really sorry about that.
It's my fault. It's my big mouth.
No, but I still owe you one.
Why's that?
You were defending my essay.
So you're the unfortunate author.
That's me. Better be careful.
Please, sit down, sit down.
Well, it sounded like a really interesting essay.
I'd love to read it sometime.
Yeah.
He father was a pilot in Vietnam.
I hear his side of it all the time.
Well, Maxwell, gotta motor.
There's a Dodge Aries K out there with my name on it.
Hey, you stay off the streets, all right?
- See you later, Ryan. - Bye.
Thanks, Patrick.
Hi.
If you'll excuse us.
Come on, Ryan. I gotta go.
Can I meet you later?
No, I have practice later.
And after that I have a campaign meeting. Come on.
I'll be there in a little bit, okay?
Yeah, sure.
I'm outta here.
Kevin.
Me, too.
I'll see you later, Ryan.
Wait up, Kev.
Did you really mean it, that you want to read my essay?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, I did.
Here. But you have to ignore all the red ink.
Billings kinda had a field day with the comments.
Wow.
Wall Street Journal?
Not the usual literature for an anarchist.
Well, I'm not the usual anarchist.
I kinda sensed that.
- Bye, Max. - Bye-bye, Ryan.
Both hands.
Two hands at all times. Two hands.
Slow down.
Making a left. What's the drill?
Signal, check the mirror,
then when it's clear, make the move.
Give me a left.
We're gonna be killed!
Step on the brake!
Stop it!
Pull over!
Look out for that car!
Dude, man, let me out.
Me, too, man. I can't take any more of this.
What? What?
That wasn't even close.
Patrick, just pull over!
Senior class elections coming up.
I'd like to remind you all the nominations must be in
by no later than this Friday.
Check with Ms. Billings...
Maxwell!
Check this out.
I'm running your campaign, man.
You're gonna take down O'Roarke.
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah.
He's overwhelmed.
I knew you'd dig it.
No. No, I don't dig it.
Check it out. These posters are only the beginning.
You know what I'm saying?
Yo, bust it!
Now, vote for the man
The man is Mad Max
Yes, he'll give us justice
Abolish the tax
He'll make lunch longer
And make the class shorter
- We'll get Perrier - Instead of water
Now the dickhead O'Roarke has been two years standing
- Not listening to a word - Of what we're demanding
- So the thing to do - If you want big fun
Just vote for Mad Max 'cause he's down with Clinton
I did mention that you might not be interested.
Check it out. We already put up half the posters.
No, you can just take them down.
You should have asked me.
I can get a little ahead of myself, but that's me, that's the way I am.
You know what I'm saying?
I have an idea. Why don't you run?
Nah, man. That's not my thing.
My thing's behind the scenes.
See, I'm a mover, a motivator. You know what I'm saying?
That's me. That's the way I am.
This is me declining the nomination.
I'm really honored, guys, but, you know, that's me.
- That's the way I am. - You're a natural.
And just think of how good this gonna look on your college application.
And the girls... the girls will be on you like white on rice.
You know what I'm saying?
The power thing... it's a turn on.
Check it out. Before you say no, answer me this.
You ever run before?
You've run before, Max, haven't you?
Recently, in fact.
Listen, Kevin O'Roarke been president for two years now.
This school needs some fresh blood.
Believe me, my blood is not that fresh.
You'd be surprised.
Hey, that's my man Lamar in the gym working on a pom-pom squad.
You see, I'm a mover, a motivator.
I'll catch you later.
That's him That's the way he is.
I'm absolutely not running.
Check it out. Save it for your campaign speech.
Yo, bust a move, fellas.
- Tom P - Deeski
And Damien-D
We make up the force of Clinton's party
How do those guys do that?
This is getting worse by the minute.
The last time I picked up a girl at her parents' house,
I can't even remember.
That's how long ago it was.
Same as me.
I can't believe you set up a date with Ryan.
I didn't. She set it up.
How do I look?
Well... here, try this.
Patrick, I haven't the slightest idea
what high school girls like to talk about.
You're on your own there, Max.
They don't like to talk to me about anything.
Patrick, maybe this tie is why.
Nah, I'm kidding. They will.
Don't worry about it.
I'm not worried about it.
I mean, all that's gonna change as soon as I get my license.
Of course, I don't have a stack of credit cards
or a decent stereo or a fine set of wheels.
Or a mortgage or student loan payments or lower-back pain.
Believe me, you got a lot to look forward to.
Anyway, it's not about all that stuff... Oh, give me that.
Just learn to be your true self.
My true self?
I'm talking to a guy who stole his name off a coffee can.
Trust me on this, Patrick.
I used to be exactly like you.
I was a short, horny, hopeless dork.
And look at you now.
Well, I'm not short.
Hey, good luck on your date tonight, Max.
I mean it.
Thanks, Patrick.
You little shit.
Please, oh, please, answer the door, Ryan.
The last thing I need is to talk to this girl's father.
Max? Hello. I'm Ryan's father.
Come on in.
Hi, sir.
You can call me Bob.
Listen, Ryan will be right down.
What can I get for you?
I'll take a Scotch and soda.
Sorry, Bob! Bad joke!
Just a soda.
Just soda.
Yeah, thanks.
You have a lovely home here.
Thank you.
Stop it. You're sounding like Eddie Haskell.
My hobby.
Sorry.
Just soda.
Thanks.
Ryan.
She's up there somewhere.
Well, don't let me take you away from anything.
No, no, no. It's all right.
I'm just finishing up some paperwork,
and this new tax code has got me all screwed up.
Oh, yeah, tell me about it.
So are you taking the standard deductions
or are you itemizing?
I'm itemizing.
Well, then, let's take a look here.
Okay, what about...
Oh, yeah, you got that one.
But what about this loss here?
You see, you can offset the dividend income there.
Wow! I missed that.
Yeah, that's like... that's like a thousand bucks right there.
you're in the same classes with Ryan?
- I am. - Hi.
Oh, hi.
You guys getting along okay?
Great.
Good.
Okay. Ready?
Oh, listen, wait.
Ryan, I wanna treat you guys.
Here's some cash.
Really?
Really.
Great. Okay. See you later.
- Tell Mom I'll be home early. - Okay, I will.
Nice meeting you, Bob... sir.
Boy, that was weird.
20 minutes ago, he was screaming about the heating bill.
Oh, yeah?
I have good news.
I found out today.
University of lowa. I got an early admission.
Oh, great! That's, uh...
That's terrific.
What about you? Where are you gonna go?
I don't know yet. I haven't heard.
- Allow me. - Okay.
Iowa, huh?
Ever been there?
No.
I know it's where they grow potatoes.
Corn.
Yeah, I knew that.
Yeah.
Are you ready for the Jersey Jet?
I don't know.
Okay.
So, where are we going?
I leave it entirely in your hands.
It's your town.
Okay.
Where'd you get this car?
My mom drove it when she was in college.
Original brakes, original transmission.
You know, I still have my original feet.
Maybe we ought to walk.
Okay, come on.
You can do it, Max. Okay, come on.
You can do it alone, Max.
Okay, come on.
Max! Max!
Thanks.
Max, do you need a hand?
Nah, I'm going good now.
Oh, watch out.
Okay.
- Yeah. - Oh, Max.
You wanted mustard, right?
Actually, I like ketchup.
Oh, no, wait.
Here, I'll go get it. Max, I'll go get it.
- It's okay. - Thanks.
Everyone, clear the floor, please.
Your next number will be ladies' choice.
Couples.
Would you believe I haven't been on skates in 15 years?
Yeah, I believe it.
Wait. That means the last time you skated, you were two?
I wasn't even very good then.
Try bending your knees. It'll help.
So, you come here often with Kevin?
Hardly ever.
He's very concerned about being cool.
Wait a minute. You mean this isn't cool?
I'm outta here.
Get back here.
Where you're from, do you have a girlfriend?
As a matter of fact, I do.
Well, I did.
We were together for three years
and came this close to getting married.
Really?
Yeah, she was my skating instructor.
You can see why we broke up.
Max!
Looks like you made an real impression on my father.
Oh, yeah, he's terrific.
I think I broke one of his planes, though.
What about you? What are your parents like?
I lost them in a car accident when I was very young.
I was raised by my grandmother.
Max, I'm sorry.
Oh, no, it's okay.
Really, it is.
I'll drop you off at your house.
No. Actually, it's such a nice night,
I think I'll... I think I'll walk.
It's no problem.
No, actually. Right here.
Right here's fine. This corner.
- Right here? - Yeah. Yeah.
Okay.
Well...
I had a great time.
Me, too.
So...
Is something wrong?
Actually, there is something I have to tell you.
What is it?
I... think I'm coming down with a cold.
A cold?
Yeah, I'm very paranoid about germs.
Not me.
Bye, Max.
Bye, Ryan.
See you in school.
Yeah.
- Bye-bye. - Bye.
Over you
Cry...
Jesus! Patrick!
- I told you not to do that anymore! - Sorry.
That must have been some date.
What's all the hubbub, bub?
G-men, that's all the hubbub, bub.
I'm in trouble, Patrick. I got a real problem.
That's what I'm trying to tell you.
I was expecting nothing, but she's really wonderful.
I could look at her face the rest of my life.
The rest of your life may not add up to much, pal.
And she likes me, too, no question about it.
Do the words "statutory rape" ring a bell?
Hey, I was a perfect gentleman,
and believe me, it wasn't easy.
You should have jumped her while you're still a free man.
Come on, I gotta show you something. Come on, get up. Get up.
Come on.
Look.
- Bakey. - Down.
Right now, there's two dozen Efrem Zimbalist, Jrs.
eating cheese and crackers in my living room.
You never saw so much polyester in such a confined space.
- What are they doing here? - You're such a smart guy.
Where are you getting all your money from?
There's a bank machine over on...
Oh, my God, the bank machine!
It's all on the computer!
Luckily for you, they're looking for Andrew, not Max.
Oh, yeah. I guess the prison accommodations
just aren't gonna do it.
I got that covered.
Come on.
Lead on, Rambo.
Crying
Over you
Crying
Over you
Patrick.
It's not a rap song.
I don't believe this. You got keys to this joint?
Well, my mom's the school nurse.
I got the run of the place.
You may find this amazing, Patrick,
but there was a time when I wanted to be a teacher.
As a matter of fact, that's what it said in my first high school yearbook.
Really?
Why would someone wanna work so hard and get paid so little?
Well, money's not that important.
This girl really got to you.
I mean, you're delirious.
Well, look, I'd better get back before the G-men start asking questions.
Oh, by the way, Dr. Gusick's office...
- Yeah, the shrink? - Right.
It's got a really nice couch. I mean, plush Naugahyde.
- You can sleep there. - Yeah, I know.
I spent some time on it last week.
Well, here.
You gonna be okay?
Yeah.
Thanks, Patrick.
Crying
Over you
Crying
The doctor is out.
Testing.
Calling all cars. Calling all cars.
Be on the lookout for a white male Caucasian.
Age unknown.
This is President Maxwell
coming to you live from the Oval Office.
And I don't have a pass.
Teachers...
where are your passes?
Wow!
Teachers, I wanna see some changes around here.
Now, class? Way too long.
Come on, you can sort out the major points in 15 minutes.
Be real.
Out goes the dress code.
Well, he wants to take his time.
He's romantic. I think it's sweet.
I don't think it's sweet.
I think it's suspicious.
Ryan!
I pledge allegiance to the flag
of the United States of America
and to the republic for which it stands,
one nation, under God, indivisible,
with liberty and justice for all.
We'll have the venison and the pheasant, please.
Okay, let's talk for a moment about roaches.
Can we get the shop class to start building a few motels?
You got a real problem here.
Thank you.
- You approve? - Yes!
Pierre, the wine list, please?
And in the future,
report cards will be given by students to teachers.
And that's just the beginning.
I am for progressive education.
So watch out.
What are you doing sneaking around in here?
You're the... You're the janitor.
Custodial engineer.
Ezzard Williams.
And you're Mad Max.
I've seen you in here every night for weeks, boy.
This is a high school, not a Holiday Inn.
Tell me about it.
Ezzard...
you got any more of that stuff?
Hell, come on.
I ain't supposed to be in here, either.
Getting pretty good on these things, boy.
Thanks.
So...
you're an ex-boxer, huh?
You don't get a nose like this
mopping high school hallways.
There, that's one of me.
Sparring with Hurricane Jackson.
Steel Pier. Atlantic City, New Jersey.
Still got the fast hands.
Quick combination.
Get away. Get away. Stop it.
But I had to quit the ring.
Tried working the corner.
Couldn't dig that, though.
But you find other things to do.
One thing I can smell with all of this is bullshit.
Hiding out, sneaking around,
tearing down your own posters.
I've been watching you.
Now, who are you, boy?
Well, Ezzard...
You are looking at a wanted man.
You don't say.
You don't get a nose like this breaking stocks.
I'm a stockbroker, damn it!
What is in this stuff? This has a lot of poof in it.
These high school kids...
Have you noticed this? They're so...
Am I crazy?
They seem so young.
You're the guy they're looking for in the newspaper
from up there in Boston.
You're him!
How you like that?
I don't.
Here's to you, Max.
Or whoever you are.
Ezzard. Ezzard, why are you living here?
Don't these people pay you?
Sure, but I'm moving next year.
My buddy Red and me,
we gonna open us a donut franchise in San Diego, California.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah, a Donut Castle.
I love do...
Okay. Okay.
Red's already out there, so I'm trying to save up my money.
- How have you got it invested? - Savings account.
- A passbook? - Yeah.
Ezzard, we gotta sit you down, dude.
There's stock, bonds, high-yield CDs,
American Drainpipe.
Don't you worry about me. Come on.
I don't like giving stock tips anyway.
Where are we going?
You can pretty well set yourself up in here and not worry about being seen.
Thanks, Ezzard.
You should sleep like a lump of coal in here.
Good night, Ezzard.
- American Drainpipe. - Yeah, Max.
American Drainpipe.
Hey, I've been reading all the stock pages you've been leaving around.
It's interesting.
Hey, mac.
Hey, I'm talking to you.
What's the matter?
I don't believe it.
Ahern... They brought him to the stand,
and he refused to answer any of their questions.
He clammed up.
What, cat got his tongue?
Yeah.
Cat named Kapados.
Yo, Max!
Hey, hey, Maxwell, guess what.
You are not the only one with a date.
Yeah, that's great.
By then, I'll have it.
I'll have my driver's permit.
Yo, wake up, Max. This is major shit.
It was so simple.
I just got the girl on the line and said, "Yo, baby, you and me, Friday night.
Be there. Period."
She said yes. It was unbelievable.
Hey, check out the 'do, Max.
Clinton went to work on my head.
You like?
Oh, yeah. It's great.
Listen, man, I'm outta here.
I got some serious campaigning to do. Later, man.
What's the problem?
Patrick, I can't take this anymore.
What are you talking about?
Hey, you're Mr. Popularity, man.
Everyone's gonna be out there voting for you.
I keep thinking about Rodriguez and Pratt.
I haven't slept in weeks.
Take my advice. Just start boning up for the S.A.T.s.
Mr. O'Roarke, I'd like a word with you.
What do you think?
Do you expect to win Tuesday?
I've got my doubts.
Good old Clinton's been all over school drumming up support for Max.
You never know.
Support can come from very unexpected quarters.
I'm the chairperson of the Tellers Committee.
We count the ballots.
Ms. Billings...
Now, I would love to chat with you,
but I have so-called "parent conferences" all afternoon.
That's nice, Ms. Billings, really, but I don't want...
Honey, save the gratitude.
I'll just put the kettle on.
- You can come right through here. - Thank you.
You would call immediately
if you were to hear from Andrew, wouldn't you?
Did you say you wanted tea?
Did you, Mrs. Morenski, hear from him?
It's important. Please. Think.
Did I?
Oh, yes, he did call.
Very good.
Now, can you tell me when?
Did he say where he was?
Honey Boy said that he was in his office.
That's downtown on State Street.
He's got his own window.
What do you call him?
Honey Boy.
He hasn't been in his office for weeks.
Inspector... What was the name again?
Richardson.
Did I tell you that I knew a Richardson once
when I lived in...
Where was it?
Providence, I believe.
Frankie Richardson.
I was very young.
Andrew? When did he call?
It wasn't Andrew. I have other grandchildren.
It must have been...
I can't recall now.
I'll just get the tea.
Are all these photos of your family?
Yes. Yes, they are.
Are they close by?
I hardly ever see them.
What's that thing called?
Whiplash.
That looks really uncomfortable.
It is.
Look, Mr. Lessig,
maybe this isn't the best time for me to take my test.
Get in.
Start your engine.
You think that maybe we could at least talk about this a little?
Kevin, we've said all there is to say, haven't we?
No. Ryan, what's with you?
I've never seen you act like this before.
Ryan.
Tell... Ryan, look, I'm telling you.
You're acting like an idiot behaving like this.
Because we're not going out anymore?
No, because you trust Hauser, don't you?
- Yeah. So what? - Yeah, so where's he from?
I happened to be in the office yesterday,
and I looked up a couple of things.
You what?
- Where did he tell you he was from? - He's from Boston.
That's not what it said in his file.
It said he was from Texas.
Well, they made a mistake.
Kevin, I can't believe you spied on him.
Hey, Ryan, all I'm telling you is you better not trust the guy.
I know something's funny.
I checked my mirror.
I did everything right, theoretically.
I wish there was some way I could talk to Ahern,
maybe see what happened.
My life is over.
My life isn't in that terrific shape, either.
I know my bathroom cabinet.
There's no razor, no Valium, nothing.
There's a full jar of chewable Flintstones.
- It's a large jar. - Patrick, come on!
What kind of problem is this?
Cool it, okay?
I waited ten years for this day.
So? You can take it again.
Sure, just like that.
Listen, I got serious problems, all right?
To you they're serious.
You're always such a wiseguy. Everything with you is a joke.
Everything is negative.
You spend so much time worrying about yourself.
Who are you worrying about, Maxwell?
It's a little different. Nobody's trying to kill you.
All right, forget it.
You got your troubles and I got mine, okay?
So why don't you have a little perspective and maybe grow up a little?
Me grow up?
I'm not the one pretending to be a kid.
I'm not the one running away from something.
You think my life is so easy.
You don't know anything about my life.
I used to be exactly like you.
Right, used to be.
Now you're the average, middle-aged guy
running for senior class president, seducing a girl half your age.
Yeah. And it's easy for you to tell Billings to go eat shit.
The rest of us have to worry about graduating.
By the way, I don't exactly live to do your homework.
Okay, wait! Let's get something straight here!
I am not middle-aged!
Fine! Let's get something else straight!
You're not the one who almost killed their driving instructor
and then drove a brand-new Dodge broadside
into a whole van full of nuns!
I did!
Nuns.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry you failed your test.
I'm sorry about a lot of things.
God, I hated high school the first time.
Now I know why.
Well, at least we agree on something.
Let me give you a little advice about your date tonight, okay?
Forget about Lessig. Just have a good time.
What is she supposed to do, ride on my handlebars?
- This is humiliating. - Meet her at the movies, then.
- No, this is bad. - Patrick!
All right, all right, I'm sorry.
Hey, what about you? What's your problem?
Anything I can do?
Well, I'm almost 30, and I'm still in high school.
And I hate it.
But I love Ryan.
And I want Kapados convicted, but I don't wanna die.
Well, you're basically screwed.
Thanks.
Oh, and good luck tonight.
You, too.
Max?
Did you really lose your parents in an accident?
I wouldn't make up something like that.
I didn't think you would.
Do you believe a person has more than one life?
Reincarnation? I don't know.
I never really thought about it.
I wonder... I mean, if they're back,
where they'd be.
Your parents.
I bet someplace warm and peaceful.
It's really funny that you would say that
because when I was...
I guess I had to be about four,
they took me on a vacation.
And, there's a picture of me and them,
and it's really... really one of the last things
I remember about when they were alive.
They took me swimming around the shore and...
there was all this coral and...
You're very beautiful.
What's the matter?
I keep wondering who you are,
why you don't give me your phone number,
why you never show me where you live.
Max, where do you go when you go home?
Home.
Okay.
You wanna see where I live?
Come on. I'll show you.
Come on.
First, I stayed at Patrick's, then here.
- Max, you could have said something. - No.
No, I couldn't.
The people that are after me want me dead.
I was afraid to tell you. I was afraid I might put you in danger.
They're still out there looking.
Everything I said to you...
Everything Max said was from my heart.
Andrew's heart.
What are you gonna do?
I can't hide here forever.
My grades aren't that good.
Andrew.
Not just a car full of nuns,
a whole van full of nuns.
I mean, the sisters were pretty cool,
but Lessig is Satan.
Die, Lessig.
Eat shit and die!
That's not him.
That must be her other grandson.
- Shall we follow him? - Yeah.
He could be going to see Morenski.
I'm going into town.
So you didn't want to see the ending.
I hated that movie. It was disgusting.
I know. That's what I liked about it.
I thought the decapitation was totally realistic.
Please.
What now?
Food?
I can't believe you can eat after that.
Besides, I'm on a diet.
That explains the small Diet Coke
and the large Milk Duds.
Look...
you're not having a bad time, are you?
I know where we should go.
The train yard.
The train yard? That's deserted.
Oh, the train yard.
That's deserted.
- Shit. - What?
Look, I don't have my...
Alpha. It's in the shop.
I should never have bought an Italian sports...
It's okay. We can take mine.
This is yours?
My dad's.
He's in Hawaii till Sunday.
Bye-bye.
He just lets you borrow his jeep?
Not exactly.
Let's forget about the train yard.
Let's go to your house.
Fine with me, Patrick.
Here, you drive.
I failed Lessig's final, and I don't even have a learner's permit.
That's a darn shame.
It looks like a stick.
I think.
Where'd you get this sound system?
So, did you ever think about wearing contacts?
My parents have a Jacuzzi.
How do you work the lights in this thing?
It's...
Sorry.
I can't see a thing,
and I put my glasses down a second ago.
I can't...
Don't worry. I'm doing fine, trust me.
Oh, no.
Two hands... it's a waste of an entire hand.
I had no idea you were such a confident driver.
You just can't see a thing, huh?
Well, everything past 3 inches in front of my face is a total blur.
No kidding. A total blur?
Why are you stopping?
Patrick?
We're gonna do a little test.
You tell me when you can see me.
Hiya, chief.
I hear they're announcing the winners tomorrow.
Yeah. Can I have a coffee, please, extra black,
and a pack of Marlboros, hard box.
Doll, you look like crud.
Yeah, that's me, President Crud.
Kevin's in the back.
He don't look too happy.
Ma'am, when you have a chance.
Wow. That's a nice shot.
Hey, I wanna talk to you outside.
I'd like that.
You need to have your whole entourage with you?
However you want it.
So what happened with the kid?
He's off with some bimbo.
My instincts are usually very solid.
Morenski's gotta be in this town somewhere.
Here I am.
I'm sorry.
- What are you talking about? - I'm sorry.
I didn't want anything to do with your election.
Screw that election.
I'm talking about how you moved on Ryan.
I'm sorry about that, too, okay?
I'm not even gonna be seeing her anymore.
I'm dropping out.
What are you talking about, Max?
Just call her, okay?
And when you do, don't treat her like a piece of real estate.
Just listen to her.
- Hey, don't tell me what to do. - Hands off.
Where you going, Max?
I wanna know what she said.
What'd she tell you about me, Max?
She said you were a pretty decent guy.
Good luck in the election tomorrow.
I hope to God you win.
Come on, let's go.
Yeah, sure.
Excuse me.
There was a young man sitting here.
- Maxwell? - That's right. Maxwell.
Did you see where he went?
Honey, they come in and go out.
Couldn't have left more than three or four minutes ago.
Got no idea which way he was headed?
Sorry, sweetie.
I serve them and off they go.
- See, look, I'm an old friend of his... - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Stay here.
Would everybody kindly take your seats, please?
Everybody sit down.
You people over there.
Sit down. Everybody down.
Everybody, down. Come on, down.
How about a big round of applause for the girls?
Mad Max for president!
Mad Max! Mad Max!
All right, can I have some quiet, please?
All right, my man Max!
Now, the order of the day.
It's time to announce the new senior class officers.
All of your ballots have been cast,
and you've made your decisions.
Final tabulation's been made by our Tellers Committee.
Could we have a big round of applause for them?
Come on.
Treasurer.
Could I have the envelopes, please, Mrs. Billing?
Thank you.
The winner is, for treasurer,
Victoria Bradley.
Congratulations, Victoria.
For vice-president.
Your new vice-president is Douglas Rowan.
How about it?
There's a lot of kids in there.
At the moment, I'm only interested in one kid.
Finally, Topsail's new senior class president.
Could we have some quiet, please?
It was a very, very close race,
but the winner is...
Kevin O'Roarke!
Say a few words, Kevin.
Congratulations.
Say a few words, Kevin.
Thank you.
As my first official action
as your new senior class president,
I think I'd like to demand a recount.
- What? - A recount.
Wait a minute. You can't do that.
As a matter of fact, I think we can do it right now.
Everyone here who voted for me,
could you just raise your hand, please?
Thanks.
And now, how many for Max?
Come on up here, Max.
Andrew! Andrew!
Come on up here.
Here's your real president.
Andrew!
Please.
Please. I'm not the person you think...
Get down!
Down! Everybody, get down!
Get down!
I thought I was the only one who wanted to kill you.
Take a number.
Easy, Max.
Andrew, you're pushing it.
You know, you're a piss-poor hit man.
You seem a little nervous.
What kind of a sniper is afraid of heights?
What's your name? You know my name. What's yours?
How much is Kapados paying you, anyway?
You know what Freud says about people who play with guns?
They have little dicks.
Oh, my God!
State your name for the court.
Andrew Morenski.
And do you, Andrew Morenski,
swear to tell the truth, the whole truth,
and nothing but the truth,
so help you God?
I do.
Mr. Breech, your witness.
Thank you, Your Honor.
Mr. Morenski, how well do you recall the first time
you met the defendant, Mr. Victor Kapados?
Very well.
In your own words, would you describe for the court
the circumstances of that meeting?
Mr. Ahern, Mr. Rodriguez,
and I were at our offices.
I believe it was in...
Andrew.
Make it short. You have a plane to catch.
I'll wait over here, Andrew.
I have to go away for a little while, Grammy.
They wouldn't tell me where.
Yeah, I know. That's...
That's one of the rules.
Well, it's a bad rule. I'm your grandmother.
I can't tell you where.
But they let me have a little bit of a say in the decision, so...
so I'll be fine.
No more trading stocks.
No.
No, but...
But that may not be such a terrible thing.
Your parents would be so proud.
And you already know how I feel.
Bye, Honey Boy.
Be good.
Yo! Patrick!
Hey, guys! This is my new set of wheels!
Patrick, my man! Get in here!
Yo, that's a loud ride!
Check that out!
All right, all right. It's picture time. Let's go.
On three. One, two, three.
Bust a move.
Hi.
I'm getting my teaching degree.
My S.A.T. scores were not very good,
but I had a few friends in the Justice Department.
You know, this is a little strange.
A little strange? It's a lot strange.
Yeah, well, I've been here a while,
trying to figure out how to talk to you.
So, are you still seeing that...
- Kevin? - Yeah.
No, that was high school.
I followed the trial.
I'm really glad you're okay, Max.
Andrew.
Oh, wait.
You stay right there.
Let's start all over again.
Hi. I'm Eddie Collins.
Nice to meet you. I'm new here.
May I? Thanks.
Eddie Collins?
It's just a name.
Is that the best you could come up with?
It sounds so fake.
It is.
So, Eddie, how do you like college?
You know...
it's much better the second time.
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